Ruminations of a young man on marriage and dowry
Kumar, V.
Manushi 80: 29-35
1994
ISSN/ISBN: 0257-7305 PMID: 12287626 Document Number: 277775
Most writings on arranged marriage and dowry in India present the woman's perspective and examine these issues in the context of female oppression. This article, based on letters written by a former student at Delhi University to his professor, elaborates the impact on progressive men of traditional social practices. Notable is the necessity for this university graduate to compromise many of his own beliefs in order to maintain ties with his family and community. In his earliest letters, Kumar expressed his intent to refuse dowry, encourage his future wife to reject traditional garb, to share in household chores, and to respect and facilitate his wife's interests and desires. He envisioned a marital relationship based on friendship rather than subordination. To get married on his own terms and without the traditional rituals, Kumar recognized the need for financial independence from his family. Subsequent letter reflect his struggle to implement his marriage ideals yet retain a relationship with his family of origin. Kumar outlines a plan to ask his bride's parents for a fixed deposit, in lieu of dowry, in the girl's name, that can be used to establish a business and ultimately returned to her. He is bothered, however, by the hypocrisy involved in rejecting the traditional dowry yet accepting a cash contribution to compensate for the financial burden incurred by marriage. He further questions his previous commitment to shared household responsibilities, especially if his wife is not qualified to find employment outside the home. While recognizing that traditional sex roles are the major source for women's bondage, Kumar becomes aware of the difficulties of pursuing a nontraditional lifestyle in the absence of widespread social change. When Kumar ultimately marries, as arranged by his family and caste, he finds it impossible to implement his personal commitment to refuse to accept continuing gifts of money and household items from his wife's family without cutting off all ties to his family of origin--a step he is unwilling and unable to take.